Why grief from miscarriage can surface years later, and why men need space to process it too.

Some races begin long before the starting line, and some continue long after the medal is hung up and the finish line has been crossed.

In just under two weeks, I will be running my first marathon. But if I am honest, this race started years ago.

When Miscarriage Happens, Men Often Stay Silent

Miscarriage is something you often only feel the full weight of once the storm has settled.

In the moment, especially as a man, you move into protection mode. You stand strong for the person you believe needs you most. You hold it together. You focus on being steady. And somewhere in that process, you quietly ignore your own needs.

When Jenn and I experienced miscarriage, I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I was practical and supportive, present in all the visible ways. But I did not truly process what was happening inside me. I parked it. Boxed it up. Labelled it as something secondary to what Jenn was going through.

That is what men do, right?

The Emotional Impact of Miscarriage on Men

Years later, after my son Sebastian was born, I found myself struggling in ways I did not expect. Panic attacks, waves of anxiety, and periods of feeling deeply lost.

All of this despite finally having everything I had hoped for. A child. A family. The life I had fought so hard to build. At the time it made no sense.

The Marathon I Didn’t Know I Was Running

What I understand now is that I was still processing our fertility journey, and that journey included miscarriage. It included loss I never gave myself permission to feel.

The longest miles are never on the road. They are the silent ones we run inside our own heads.

Grief became a marathon I did not realise I had entered. There was no training plan, no recovery strategy, and no one explaining how to pace it. I just kept moving, assuming strength meant silence and composure meant coping. But just like in running, what you ignore eventually catches up with you.

Skip hydration and you cramp at mile eighteen.

Ignore recovery and your body pushes back.

Ignore grief, and it waits quietly until life slows down enough for you to feel it.

How Fertility Loss Changed Me as a Father

It is only now that I truly understand the impact those miscarriages had on me, and how much they shaped the father I am today. They softened me. They made me more aware. More present. More emotionally available.

Even if that awareness came later than it should have.

Experiences like miscarriage and fertility struggles affect men too, even though they are rarely encouraged to talk about them.

And when men are not given space to process those experiences, the emotional impact can surface years later.

Running Toward Something Bigger

In just under two weeks, I will be running 26.2 miles to raise funds for Tommy’s and to raise awareness of miscarriage and the male experience of fertility loss.

I will be running alongside the incredible Olly Brown, who is currently completing 39 marathons in 39 weeks. A level of endurance that is hard to comprehend.

The idea was first sparked by Shaun tagging me in a post and, although every sensible part of my brain said “No”, I instantly said yes.

During the long training runs since, I have asked myself why.

With age comes perspective, and my perspective is this:

When I was walking through miscarriage and fertility struggles, I wish I had felt more seen. I wish someone had told me that it was okay for this to affect me too.

This marathon is my small way of offering that message to someone else. It will not change our story or erase the losses, but it gives meaning to the miles. It allows me to run toward something rather than away from it.

And if even one man reads this and feels less alone, then every step will be worth it.

Support the Cause

If you would like to support this cause, please visit:

www.marathonsformiracles.com

Listen to more‍

Ciaran speaks in more depth about miscarriage, the emotional impact of fertility struggles on men, and the story behind this marathon on this week’s episode of The Male Fertility Podcast.

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