Processing Grief After a Male Infertility Diagnosis

Around 7–10% of men experience infertility (HFEA, 2024), yet very few talk about the emotional impact. In this personal story, Ciaran shares how his diagnosis led to years of grief, guilt, and, eventually, acceptance.

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Receiving a Life-Changing Diagnosis

On an ordinary day in January 2012, my wife and I walked into our local fertility clinic expecting a simple prescription for Clomid and a green light to start trying again.

Instead, I received a sentence that changed my life.

“So, Ciaran, we’ve analysed the sample you provided a few weeks ago, and unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do for you. Have you ever taken steroids?”

That question felt like a cold knife to the chest. My heart raced, my palms turned clammy, and I felt myself detach from the room. Later, I realised I’d just been told I was infertile.

The consultant’s tone softened when he saw my shock. My results showed an extremely low sperm count, poor morphology, and low motility — almost no viable sperm at all.

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Understanding the Grief of Infertility

Looking back, I can smile and even joke about it now. But at the time, I had no language for what I was feeling. Only years later did I recognise it as grief.

“Grief was the emotion I never expected to feel after my infertility diagnosis — but acknowledging it was the first step to healing.”

I’ve spent years researching grief to try to understand it. Many describe it as a process that ends in acceptance. Yet grief doesn’t always follow neat stages.

One resource that helped me was The Science and Process of Healing from Grief, a podcast by Dr Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist at Stanford University. He suggests that grief can be a form of motivation, not just a marker of loss — an idea that made sense of my own experience.

When I said I was “mourning the loss of my unborn children”, I now realise I was really mourning the version of life I thought I’d have — the natural conception, the shared excitement, the simple dream of becoming a dad in the way I’d imagined.

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When Grief Turns to Guilt

That grief eventually became guilt. I blamed myself for every failed round, every setback, every tear my wife shed. Knowing that Jenna would face invasive treatment because of me was crushing.

I often wondered if I’d failed her, or if she’d still see me as the man she married. Those thoughts lingered for years.

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Learning to Heal

So, how do you deal with grief like this?

There’s no single answer. The Kübler-Ross (1969) model — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — offers a useful framework, but grief rarely runs in a straight line.

For me, the first real step was acknowledgement. Talking about how I felt — to Jenna, to friends, and later online — began the process of acceptance.

It took years to reach peace with my diagnosis, but eventually I realised it had shaped me into a better man, husband, and father.

“Acceptance doesn’t mean you like what happened. It means you stop fighting reality and start building a new one.”

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Key Takeaways

• Male infertility affects around 7–10% of men in the UK (HFEA, 2024).
• Feelings of grief and guilt are normal and valid.
• Talking openly about emotions helps men move towards acceptance.
• Healing isn’t linear — it’s about progress, not perfection.

Need Support?

If you’re navigating a diagnosis like this, remember you’re not alone.

You can find trusted information and support here:

• NHS – Fertility Treatment

• HFEA – Male Fertility

For community conversation and shared experiences, visit NeXYs Fertility and find out how we can support you.

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