^{Coping with the Festive Season While Trying to Conceive and Dealing With Miscarriage}

The festive season can be one of the hardest times of year when you are trying to conceive or living with the impact of miscarriage. For many men and couples, Christmas amplifies grief, pressure, and unspoken emotions that are difficult to carry alone.

Earlier this month, Shaun and I hosted a joint webinar with fertility counsellor Angela Pericleous-Smith, exploring how to cope with the festive season while trying to conceive. It is a topic many men quietly struggle with.

On the surface, Christmas is meant to be joyful. A time of connection, celebration, family, and togetherness. But when you are navigating fertility challenges, it can feel heavy and emotionally draining in ways that are hard to explain unless you have lived it yourself.

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Why Christmas Can Feel So Difficult When You’re TTC

During the webinar, we talked about why this time of year often feels harder, the emotions that tend to surface, and practical ways to navigate specific situations.

One thing Angela said stayed with me long after the session ended.

Asking yourself what you need in that moment.

It sounds simple. But for me, and for many men I speak to, it is one of the hardest things to do.

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When the Festive Season Carries Memory

Last month, I hit a bump in the road. I felt physically and mentally drained. Work pressures were building, illness had moved through the house, and I could feel that familiar tightening as Christmas approached.

For most people, December brings excitement and anticipation. For me, and for Jenn, it also carries memory.

On 26 December 2013, Boxing Day, we experienced a miscarriage. It is a date that will never leave me.

We had high hopes that this round would work. That this time next year we would be celebrating Christmas with our first child. That nearly three exhausting years of fertility treatment would finally come to an end.

Instead, the complete opposite happened.

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The Quiet Role Men Often Step Into After Loss

The miscarriage happened in the early hours of Boxing Day. Almost immediately, I stepped into a role without thinking about it.

My focus became protecting my wife at all costs, even if that meant burying my own feelings.

We already had plans to drive nearly 300 miles to Devon to see my mum. The rest of the family would be there. Everyone would be expecting the cheerful, happy couple we usually were.

So I loaded the car while Jenn cried upstairs, helped her into the car, and we set off.

The drive was long and heavy. Jenn slept. I drove. Even now, much of that journey feels like a blur. I remember the silence, the road, and the weight of responsibility sitting on my shoulders.

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When You’re Caught Between Two Worlds

When we arrived, Jenn went straight to the bedroom and stayed there for hours. I moved between concerned family members downstairs and an emotionally shattered wife upstairs.

We hadn’t told anyone what had happened.

At the time, my instinct was to protect Jenn from questions she didn’t have the energy to answer. I told people she was unwell.

Looking back now, with more distance and perspective, I’m not sure I would make the same decision again.

I don’t think we should have gone to Devon.

I don’t think we should have pretended.

I think now I would choose honesty and space. I would choose what benefited us, not what met other people’s expectations.

This is something I see so often in men navigating fertility challenges and loss.

Feeling stuck between two worlds.

The world with children.

And the world without.

Christmas seems to highlight that in-between space more than any other time of year.

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What Men Often Actually Need

This is why Angela’s words resonated so deeply.

Asking yourself what you need matters.

As men, we are often conditioned to push through discomfort, fix problems, and carry things quietly. Fertility challenges expose the limits of that approach.

During our own treatment, Jenn and I talked a lot. Eventually, I realised something important.

When everything became too much, I didn’t need answers.

I didn’t need solutions.

I didn’t need analysis.

I needed a hug.

That physical connection grounded me. It helped regulate my emotions and reminded me I wasn’t facing everything alone.

Sometimes, the body just needs safety.

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Creating New Traditions During the Festive Season

Another thing we discussed in the webinar was the idea of starting new traditions.

When you are caught between the life you imagined and the life you are living, old traditions can feel painful. They are often tied to expectations of how things were supposed to look by now.

New traditions don’t erase grief.

But they can help you take ownership of the season again.

That might look like:

▸ A quiet walk

▸ A morning ritual

▸ Time away from social pressure

▸ A different way of marking the season that reflects where you are now

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A Final Thought

The festive season can be incredibly difficult when you are trying to conceive or carrying the weight of loss.

If you are struggling, it does not mean you are failing.

It means you are human.

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to change plans. You are allowed to prioritise yourself and your partner.

Asking yourself what you need, and giving yourself permission to act on it, can make all the difference. Sometimes it doesn’t change the situation. But it changes how you move through it.

And sometimes, that is enough.

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Ciaran

Co-founder, NeXYs Fertility

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To watch the full webinar, head to the NeXYs Fertility YouTube channel, or hit the link below:

Coping with Christmas while TTC, guidance from fertility counsellor Angela Pericleous-Smith.